Escape the man box

The Man Box rules is a set of rigid rules – they push you into acting out a narrow way of being a man, instead of letting you be a whole, thinking, feeling human being.  

This hurts you, and the people around you, the organisation says.

The Man Box is how lots of guys think they must act in front of other men. You know, always acting like they’re in control. And not showing any feelings.

It’s about looking tough and certainly not asking for help. These are rules if you want to fit in as a ‘real man’ in front of your mates.  

The Man Box says in front of other men, I will:  

Always appear onto it and in charge, especially over women  

Not show emotions, except for anger, and being aggro towards others  

Not admit to mistakes or backing down  

Appear staunch, not needing others  

Keep proving I’m ‘manly’ by mocking behaviour outside the Man Box

The Man Box sets an impossible high ideal that no one can ever achieve. It’s a real relief to give this up and to be yourself.  

Other men enforce these rules with ‘man-up’ messages that emphasise the Man Box. As a kid, without even knowing it, you soaked up these messages from everyone around you – dad, mum, the rest of the whānau, and the guys at school, on sports teams, at work – everyone.  

You’ll have seen a massive amount of Man Box behaviour – it’s very common on television and in movies, and it plays out in many social settings.

We can’t avoid the Man Box, but we can decide what’s useful to us now.  

Breaking out and choosing to be the man you know you really are, will make you happier and healthier.  

Another real benefit is that you’ll have more supportive and fulfilling relationships.  

Your partner and kids will feel safer and be more relaxed with you.  

And you’ll also have more peaceful, happier relationships with other people. You’ll simply connect more.

When you’re out of the Man Box, you’ll listen to others, feel for them and work together to make decisions.

People will appreciate this.  

You’ll find that your friendships with other men are better and more real too. Most important – you’ll feel better inside.  

You’re still 100% man, but a far better man.

What does it mean in terms of your relationships with other men?

Because some men are used to fighting, conflict, and arguing, it can be very disarming to show some compassion and care.  

Take every opportunity to talk to men about how men are portrayed on TV, among friends, and in whānau.  

Talk to them about the ‘Man Box’ – where men must appear tough, aggressive and in charge in front of other men. Listen and encourage them to try out different ways to express their identities and values.

Did you know that most men only pretend to support bad behaviour towards women?

Most men think violence against women is wrong. In fact, men routinely overestimate other men’s comfort with sexist, coercive, and derogatory comments and behaviours.

Research shows that most men are uncomfortable when other men act in sexist and discriminatory ways. They’re afraid to raise this because they believe they are in a minority.

And men also underestimate other men’s willingness to intervene in violence against women.

White Ribbon New Zealand says if we want change, boys and men can lift each other up.  

An effective way to do this is by ‘inviting’ men, rather than indicting them.  

So, men can model mature, caring behaviour in front of each other, but also understand that other men might be at a different part of their journey and still working it out for themselves.

We need to be more subtle and start calling people in, not simply calling them out or jumping down their throat.  

If a mate does something sexist, why not ask them why they think that, or where they got that idea from?

You can also draw on your own values that support respectful behaviour. These could be cultural values, such as the tikanga Māori values of mana tāne, mana wahine, religious beliefs, or general ideas such as ‘everyone’s equal’ or ‘a fair go for all’.

We can also recognise how our own behaviour is passed down to younger generations.  

By raising caring, supportive, ethical, respectful, friendly, generous, and awesome boys, we can reduce the amount of family violence in our community.